


Letters to Harry

by jurassiclouis



Series: Reasons to Live [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Death, M/M, Sad Harry, but peace too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 14:53:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9612629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jurassiclouis/pseuds/jurassiclouis
Summary: Louis' parting gift.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I LITERALLY HELD ON TO A FINISHED FIC FOR FOUR YEARS WITHOUT REALIZING I NEVER POSTED IT.
> 
> this tbh does not reflect my writing today but i really just wanted to get it out of my stuff (will anyone even read it, probs nah)

**One Year Later**

**-**

Harry ran a hand through his unruly curls, they had grown longer over the past year and he hadn't bothered to cut them. Who was he impressing? He felt the steady flow of tears roll down his cheeks as he looked down at the large envelope in front of him, addressed to this date.

The handwriting was startling, the most human-like thing of Louis' he had seen since he found an old video of him singing a couple months ago on his phone.

Now, he was all alone in his room in the apartment he got by himself after he graduated without Louis. Walking across stage and knowing that 'Tomlinson' wasn't going to be called behind him, he had gotten his diploma and then broke down, having to be led off stage. 

He missed the rest of the ceremony.

His hand was shaking as he reached for the letter, but he opened it through all the pain he was feeling and turned it out onto the coffee table.

Out flew two folded, slightly yellowed pieces of paper and then a smaller, but still quite large envelope, titled  _ 'Two Years' _ in the same handwriting.

He let out a huff and thought,  _ of course I would have to wait even longer. Louis loved his dramatics. _

But he was grateful for the letter that was assigned to him for the first year and he began to read.  
  
  


_ Dear Haz, _

_ It's been a year now, hasn't it You'll be around nineteen now, right? If I planned these letters correctly and you followed my instructions like a good boy, that should be about right. _

_ How's Baci? Is she alright? I hope you've taught her to sit and stay by now because she was never really good with that when I was around and I was too blinded by her puppy eyes to scold her. But if you haven't done that yet, mister, I am so haunting your ass right now. _  
  


_ You’re at Uni right now I assume, you better be. If you’re studying something shit like psychology like I know you are, for the love of God, change your major right away. I really wish you would go for what you really want to do.  _

_ Don’t look so shocked, love. I’m not stupid. I could read you like a book, always could. When you talked about working at that bakery, you were like a little kid on Christmas, and the way you always snuck in homemade sweets to the hospital. You said your mum made them, but when your face lit up when I said I loved them, I knew the truth. I know you, Harry Styles, and that’s what you want to do. _

_ So what’s holding you back? Me? _

_ You don’t handle grief well. I remember when your dad left, you blamed yourself and it took years to get you to smile again, like you felt guilty for being happy.  _

_ Harry, please, please don’t be afraid to be happy. Not because of me, I can’t handle the thought.  _  
  


_ Still in touch with the boys? I doubt it. Maybe on Christmas you talked to them, but not like it used to be. Call them up after this, would you? Tell them all about this letter, they’ll want to hear it. I don’t mean to be self-centered or anything, you know that as much as anyone, but I know they’re missing me too.  _

_ Get together on Spring Break, go visit some  stupid monument and take stupid tourist pictures and laugh obnoxiously loud.  _ _  
_ _ I’ll go too, somehow. And it’ll make me happy to hear you laugh like that with them again. You don’t want to deny a dead man’s wish, do you? _

_ Hell yeah, I can pull that card now! _  
  


_ But in all seriousness, Haz, I really hope that you’re okay. Don’t do anything stupid please, live a good life. I know this first year was rough, I know you’re scared, but I’m here with you. _

_ Make friends, go to parties (but don’t use it as an excuse to get drunk, Harold), switch majors, open a bakery, be terribly hipster about everything, and just, please don’t forget me on the way. _

_ I sound so incredibly selfish and I hate myself for it, but the thought of you forgetting me is making me want to cry. Keep me in your skin, just a little piece underneath that you always keep with you.  _

_ I love you so much, Harry, and I know that you love me, so let me go. Just not too far away that you forget me. _  
  
  


_ Happy birthday, happy Valentine’s day, happy Easter, merry Christmas, and have a happy new year! Please, call the boys, change your major, call your mum, and call my mum - check on the girls? They must be getting so big already. Lottie probably has a boy already wrapped around her finger. _

_ I'm so sorry I can't be there in person to celebrate with you, but I know that somehow I am watching over you for once. My Hazza. _

_ Be happy, please. _

_ I love you so much, forever, _

_ Louis _  
  


Harry stared at the sheet of paper when he was done, sobs ripping through his throat because damn Louis for knowing him so well and calling him out on everything he knew he shouldn’t be doing.

He allowed himself a couple minutes, clutching the paper to him chest and just crying. He missed Louis so much, why did this have to happen? If he was alive, they would be studying together, Louis wanted to major in theater, and they could grow old together and Harry knew that eventually he would propose. Maybe they would’ve adopted, maybe they would’ve gotten a surrogate, but Harry would  **never know.**

And that was the worst part. He would never know what his life could’ve been.

But he thought of what Louis said and knew he had to make immediate changes. If Louis asked for it, he would shave his curls off and fly to Siberia. He staggered up, grabbing his phone and pressing buttons desperately and pressed it up to his ear and waited until someone answered.

“H-Hey, Zayn.”  
  
  


**Two Years Later**

**-**

Harry walked into his dorm room, tired and anxious. The day had not been good, but it was expected, right? Who would be okay on the anniversary of their boyfriend’s death? He wanted to stay in bed this morning, but it was exam time and no way he could afford to miss any of them, not with the absolutely new territory of culinary school. 

He had taken Louis’ advice after all and he was now dual-enrolled at culinary and business school. It was hard and sometimes they conflicted, but he was going to make it. For Louis, for himself.

He huffed out a breath and dropped all his things onto the floor, something his roommate would probably roll his eyes at, but he could care less right now. He reached onto the shelf above his pillow and pulled down the envelope. He turned it out and got the same two pages he had read last year and the envelope titled ‘ _ Two Years.’ _ ’

His fingers were shaking when he picked it up and for a brief moment, he thought he was going to be sick. But he picked the seal open, trying not to rip it as much as possible. Out flew two more slips of paper and yet another envelope.  
  
  


_ Dear Harry, _

_ It’s been a while, yeah? A long time now, I guess. It’s weird writing these and knowing you won’t read these until I’ve been gone. I hope you’re alright. But I know if you took my advice, you’ll be perfectly fine because I am the expert, right?  _

_ You’ve changed your major by now, I’m almost positive. You always did do everything I said (Niall says you’re as whipped as the red velvet cupcakes you brought us that one time). So repeat after me, you must never shave the curls, you must have curly hair forever. Sound good? Great.  _

_ I wish you would’ve baked for me when I was alive (wow, that’s weird to say, considering I’m still breathing and sitting up and writing this as we... I speak). But I wish you would’ve done it and then told me it was you and not that it was leftovers from the bakery or from your mum. I liked seeing you do what you loved and it kind of makes me sad that I never got to watch you in the kitchen. _

_ This is starting to sound a bit strange, isn’t it? Guess I’ll move on. Wouldn’t want to freak out your curly head and have you leave. _  
  


_ So, Harold. You’re in college! A proper adult now! Kind of... Not really, I’m sure you still call your mum at least three times a week, if not once a day, and you probably aren’t paying for tuition, nor doing your own laundry... But I digress!  _

_ I was trying to explain to you that since you’re an adult now, you’re legally allowed to have sex. Yes, sex. Do you even remember what that word means anymore, Harry? Because if I know you like I know I do, you haven’t had much of any, if at all, since I’ve been gone. _

_ But here I am, giving you the full chance to go out tomorrow night and get wasted and to shag a person or two. Don’t let me hold you back. _  
  


_ Which brings me to my next point. You are moving on, right? You’re getting up in the morning and going to school and looking at other boys, crushing on a girl, or maybe even going on a couple dates. I’m just going to keep telling myself that, maybe I’ll actually start to convince myself. _

_ Harry, just... Just let me go. Again, there’s a selfish part of me that’s going to tell you not all the way. Just, let me go enough, so you can meet a lad and go out for drinks and maybe have a quick shag that means absolutely nothing. You’re in college! It's normal. Well, what I guess is normal anyway. I mean, I didn’t even properly finish high school, so who am I to know? _

_ I hope this isn’t all going to deaf ears or that I’m completely wrong about everything I’m assuming and sound like a complete and utter arse. I am truly sorry if that happens to be the case, Harry.  _  
  


_ Oh wow, it just hit me that this is two whole years later. That’s quite a while. The girls, they have to be getting to be so big and grown up and gorgeous and I’m not around anymore. Will Phoebe and Daisy even remember me anymore? They’re so young, it wouldn’t surprise me if I’d slipped their minds. And thinking about it, wouldn’t that be for the best? That way they wouldn’t have anyone to miss. Oh God, Lottie would be having an awful time. Who is she going to boys about? Not possibly Mum, I can’t bear the thought of it!  _

_ You still talk to them, right Harry? Just to check up from time to time. They love you like a brother anyway, it wouldn’t be hard to step in a little and just help them feel safe. I want them to have someone to talk to that isn’t just my mum. Because the woman is lovely, and I love her to bits, but they need someone else for a change.  _

_ Promise me, Harry. You’ll visit and call and help them out. Just, promise that above anything. _

_ Speaking of my mum, how’s she? Probably not very well I suppose. Call her tonight, will you? I think she’ll be waiting by the phone. You guys can talk! She’s always been so great about having chats with people. Especially when it’s about something serious.  _

_ I would suggest popping over for some tea, but I know you’re probably in uni and can’t leave. So when you get the chance, go over and invite your mum too and talk about everything you can, no matter the subject. _

_ I assume the rest of the lads are okay then? Zayn and Liam hook up yet? I can see the damn look in their eye and I’m on my deathbed (too soon?). Maybe you could be like a secret agent and secretly try to put them in situations so they’ll be alone and then they can live happily ever after.  _

_ Zayn still as smoldering as ever? Tell him to tone it down because we all know he secretly wants a long term relationship. He’s just such a big softy. _

_ Niall still a peachy little leprechaun? (let’s be real, of course) _  
  
  


_ I’m there with you, just like I said before. Somehow I made it back to you, nothing could keep me away. _

_ Love forever and always,  _

_ Louis _

 

Harry really didn’t have anything to say or do once he was finished. Instead of following up on Louis’ instructions, he curled up under his covers, fully clothed still down to his shoes. He clutched the paper to his chest, tears falling and body rocking in sobs.

He missed Louis. And nothing else in the world could say anymore than those three words.  
  


**Five Years Later**

-

Harry was in a proper house this time and everything felt different when he went to open the next letter. It was a three year gap for one and he found himself almost forgetting all the things the other letters had said until he sat down at his now shared bed and remembered every single mark on the pieces of parchment from Louis’ pen.

He felt a sinking in his stomach as he opened the package for a third time, the first two letters falling out and then a third envelope following.

It was odd, he realized as he opened it, where he was now and where he was then. He was still a student, the last bit of puberty and adolescence still there, but he felt more innocent and naive opening the letters now. Then, he was still jaded and  _ tired _ and  _ sad _ from Louis’ death, feeling much too old for the dimples on his cheeks and the ringlets in his hair, but after these years where he took Louis’ advice and moved on, albeit still having every spare thought on the young boy himself, he felt full of dreams and he supposed now that this is what he was supposed to have felt like the first years in Uni.

He was happy now though, an emotion he hadn’t truly felt since completing the small tasks on Louis’ list. He had a bakery and was falling in love again and still managed to live every single day for Louis, the name of his bakery being ‘ _ Boo, London,’  _ after a newspaper article Louis had jokingly wrote to him before he was sick.

That didn’t mean he never got upset anymore because that would be the biggest lie in the world if he claimed that the truth. Sometimes, he just got this giant, sinking feeling as his heart reached the bottom of his body when he realized that Louis was never coming back. Grief, like Hell, would burn in his veins, and then submerge him underwater and make him numb. And on some days, he would have his guard down and think  _ ‘wow, I should tell Louis about this’ _ until he realizes that he  _ can’t _ and he goes silent.  
  
But he was better and that was a start, so he pulled that letter out of the envelope and began to read, already missing the way that Louis would sing Disney songs softly under his breath in English class when he was writing an essay.  
  
  


_ Dear Harry, _

_ I guess it’s been a while now, five years (unless you’re ridiculously bad at following directions, you muppet). How funny would that be, you know, if you just lost this envelope. Or, I suppose that wouldn’t be very funny at all, my last words would go unread, but still. It’d be rather, I don’t know, ironic? _  
  


_ You’re a proper adult now, young Harold (old Harold?). Is it weird? I bet if I never got sick, you’d have to hold me while I had a mental breakdown every birthday of mine. I guess I got my wish though, I’m going to die young - I’ll be young forever. Like the movies and the books I read when I was little. You’ll be young forever too, Harry. I’ll only know the little kid with the dimples and you’ll only know little old me.  _

_ But I suppose you’ll remember me sick. Oh dear, I never thought about that. Please don’t remember me without hair! I’m a terrible baldy. Remember me when we were ten years old and held hand for the first time in the field across the street from the sweet shop. Or when we were fourteen and kissed backstage at the talent show when you were so nervous and I wanted to calm you down. Remember me before that day when I told you I was sick and we both had the feeling of ephemeral in our guts. _  
  
  


_ Oh, and if you think I don’t already know that you’re falling in love with Niall - probably living with him now too - then you obviously don’t know me very well. I know that you never thought of him that way when I was sick, don’t think I’m accusing you or him of anything, I just had a feeling. Liam and Zayn are obviously together, I could see that with my eyes  _ and _ ears covered. _

_ I’m really happy for you, Haz. I’m glad that you’re happy. It just took a little bit longer than we all would’ve liked. I know everyone who knows you smiles a bit more now, including me wherever I am. _

_ I know I’ve said this many times in my last two letters, but do not not feel guilty anymore. I’m gone now and I won’t be coming back. It’s a scary thought, knowing that myself, but it’s the truth. So move on, will ya! Goodness. _  
  


_ You know what’s a weird thought? I just saw Lottie not an hour ago and she was still in secondary school then. Now, at the time you’re reading this, she’ll be in her first year of university. I hope she did better on her A-Levels than I would’ve. Even before I got sick, I was shit at preparing for tests. But she’s got a good head on her shoulders, doesn’t she? _

_ Do you still talk to all of them? I really hope so Harry. My mum will be happy for you too, that you and Niall found each other. Visit her together! Have some tea. The twins always did love Niall’s accent and dyed hair, I haven’t the slightest idea why though (sarcasm doesn’t translate into letters, does it?). _  
  


_ I’m so tired now, Harry. I feel my body failing itself now and I’m just tired. I’m not ready to give up, I’m ready to start again. I’m ready, Harry. I’m ready to leave this body and welcome whatever is the next step in my life. _

_ Goodbye, Harry. I know it’s not soon before I’m gone.  _

_ I love you forever and everywhere I’ll be, _

_ Louis  _

 

When Niall got home from work an hour later, he found Harry curled up, clutching the letter to his chest. He didn’t say anything and didn’t read a word as he put the letters away and brought Harry into their bedroom because he already knew.  
  


 

**Ten Years Later**

-  
  


Harry knew going into this letter that it was the last one Louis had written because when he glanced at the date written at the top, it was only two days before Louis’ death and the next 48 hours, Harry was right beside him.

He didn’t know how to feel about that though because a part of him wasn’t ready to let go. These letters gave him something to look forward to, something to remind him of Louis when he felt like he was forgetting. 

Just the other day, he was thinking of Louis and couldn’t remember the color of his eyes. It took hours of frantic reassurance from Niall through stories of him told through both memories and pictures before he finally calmed down.

He was anything but now as he opened the last letter, this one much shorter in comparison, a byproduct of sickness, Harry supposed.

Upon opening it he realized just how short it was though.

 

_ Dear Harry, _

_ I’m ready now. _

_ I love you forever, _

_ Louis _

  
And there was peace. Silence and presence. 


End file.
